i can't speak much on your life especially from recent years but i will say this. i know we've both been through a lot and have gone through some incredibly hard times especially growing up but you know what masaya we can fucking do this. i am almost at my one year mark from the last time i tried to commit and of course i have very bad days sometimes but i've made it nearly a quarter way into my life and if i can do this shit you can too okay? wherever you are, whoever you're with. you can do it.
my anxiety has really kicked in the last year or so though. not sure if i mentioned it to you ever but i was in a very toxic relationship for two years up november 2019. i am still carrying around a lot of that trauma but i know healing takes time. but fuck i've been so anxious recently. way more than usual. sometimes even texting my closest friends back just sends me into a panic. probably all in my head though.
i don't know if you even wanna hear about this and i pray i don't accidentally trigger you in some way but i've really kicked a lot of my bad habits thankfully. my impulse control has definitely improved because i struggle with that a lot. have not self harmed in a whiileeeee. no more drug use for fun, although i haven't touched anything nasty like coke since i was much younger. i've rid my place of all prescription painkillers and narcotics because i know how i am and how i have a tendency to take the easy way out with unhealthy coping skills. just sticking to the green stuff here and there when i have time, i think a little wax is okay for me to smoke. strictly marijuana of course. alcohol has never been my thing so i guess that's good.
been doing a lot of art lately.. if i remember you're quite creative as well. you'd probably laugh at my paintings but that shit is fun and really eases my mind. lockdown has been hard on so many people including myself because i tend to ruminate when i sit around all day but i'm working on it. cooking up some pretty decent things in the kitchen. ;) finally got back into working out... just really trying to find my balance in life. i just wanna know what you're up to.
it feels so hard to grow with everything awful going on in the world but then i feel bad for complaining about my personal issues. the shit going on in our country blows my mind. how do you feel about moving to a foreign country with me. a little crazy but i think it'd be a lot nicer than it is here.
everything's gonna be alright. it's so weird for me to not type with caps now especially since i'm always having to write emails and shit but it is so nostalgic for me to not use the caps. maybe that makes no sense.
gonna be 25 this year.. still feel like i'm 17 in some ways. i've been really trying to get better but my BPD is kicking my ass. i know i can do this though and i can only hope you have the same faith in me.
ok ok i'm on a time crunch rn but i will evaluate the rest of your message later.. as for the rude comments you've been left it's very clear shes just a hateful, racist sack of shit and that's really unfortunate. the racial bias in this country... ok i can't even start on that at the moment BUT i'm sure those comments didn't offend you, i hope not; i know you have thick skin <3